|
|
 Yeah, I know, you are probably like me and once you read those words that song pops into your head and runs a muck. Or maybe I am just weird and the only one that happens too….
Regardless, it is true. Life really is LIKE a highway. You are in the drivers seat of your life. As you *drive* through life you have to keep yourself moving forward being careful to stay in your own lane, watch the speed limit, signal when turning, and watch out for other drivers.
Most importantly, keep your eyes on the road ahead. We learn through driving that if we do not keep our eyes on where we are going we will veer off of our course and mistakes can come of that for sure. Much the same as in living our lives. We have to keep our eyes focused on our path ahead. if we do not then we can go astray and make mistakes.
The rear view mirror in our car is a useful mechanism in being able to glance back from time to time to monitor the road behind but only a brief glance from time to time. If we keep our focus on the road behind then we can, again, veer off course. If life, the rear view mirror is looking back into our past. Much the same as with driving, it is OK to look back from time to time, briefly. anything more than a brief glance can impede our forward movement.
When I was younger, I made many mistakes in life. Over and over I made mistakes and when I made a mistake, I would run away. I would speed ahead in life trying to put as much distance as possible between myself and the mistakes I had made. But, as I ran ahead, trying to speed away from my mistakes and troubles, i was constantly looking into the rear view mirror, afraid of facing my mistakes, afraid of going forward and stuck looking into that darn rear view mirror. The result? I was going to fast, not paying attention to where I was running too and only focusing on what I was running from and eventually I would find myself lost and making the same mistakes I was running from in the first place. thus, the cycle of mistake, running, looking in the past, getting lost, mistake… well you get the idea. No way to drive down the road OR to live your life.
Finally, I faced up to the situation I was in. I realized I had to pull my life into a rest stop and handle my past. I accepted responsibility for what I had done wrong, looked deep within myself to find the me I wanted to be. I came to terms with myself and my life. then and only then could i get back behind the wheel of my life and get back out on the highway and move forward. You know what? life is much easier to deal with when you keep your eyes on the road ahead. I glance back still, from time to time, but I don’t focus on it. I realize it for what it is, the past. I cannot go back and change anything, the only thing I can do is move forward, much wiser and more careful.
I keep my eyes on the road ahead, I watch my speed, make sure I am not going to fast, or to slow. I look back when I have to briefly, but do so safely in the knowledge that it is the past and I have come to terms with whatever is back there. I also keep an eye out for dangerous people who might run me off my path. I have learned to steer clear of people who bring me down, people who do not want me to move forward. I keep my eyes and my movement always going forward.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is slow going, sometimes the road gets very rough and yes, I still make mistakes, but I do my best to correct those things immediately, learn my lesson and move on… always moving forward, never focusing my eyes on that rear view mirror.
Life really is a highway. No matter what kind of car you are in, you are in the drivers seat of your life.
Well our simple little colds have turned into the crud, or the flu… Or maybe even one of those weird sci-fi novel mutant viri like eastwestbirdnilemoldswineflu….. But whatever it is we are all down with it.
Sounds like a tb ward here, not that I know what a tb ward sounds like but hey, I can imagine… And I imagine one would sound like our house right now.
Hubby and the boy made it to dr, I couldn’t get in, they have medicine and are feeling worse. I’m about down, would go to the dr but there’s so many ppl sick you cannot get in, not even urgent care… What a crock….
Some of the boy’s christmas presents came, we got him two bean bags chairs, so now h has a place to sit both in the lving room and his room. Since they were so big he got those early, no way I was wrapping them. I thnk he is happy.
Well trying to get dinner fixed, would rather be cuddled under the blanket but every one else is hungry.
Oh, court…. Next appearence for the murderer is dec 15th for a hearing before the district judge.
Been busy crocheting angel ornaments, which will be the end of me yet lol
Still gotta get the blanket done but it’s getting there.
Trying not to think to much about Christmas. Taking it a day at a time. It hurts so bad. Wed is another court date, not holding out much hope again, I am sure it will be delayed again. Maybe some day the boy’s will get justice.
Had a beautiful sunrise this morning… Gave me pause.
I have changed so much since June….
Well ok, I have to admit I am not into it.
Well, not in the same way I used to be.
I am enjoying the boy’s excitement, and watching the pretty lights on the pretty tree and Christmas music and shows but I don’t have the usual excitement I used to have…. I wonder if it will ever be there again? Although I think I appreciate it more in a “life is short savour every moment” reflective way now.
I have been able to be crafty though…
Making angel ornaments… Which is good.
We have the crud so have all been having a miserable week.
First cold of the season always hits hard and makes me feel like a big baby lol
Tackled, and put a sizeable dent in mt washmore today, which is a good thing. Still have so much other housework to catch up for from when I was so sick but now with the cold I feel as if I will never catch up.
I hate feeling overwhelmed… Oh I know, I will get over it and be fine but you know how it is, when it is in the now it always seems worse…
Well better make sure the ground beef is thawed for dinner… Later
Survived Thanksgiving… It was rough but made it.
Now for Christmas… Feel like the grinch, have no excitment at all… My motions are pretty much on autopiliot but I guess in a way that it good, need to keep keeping on.
It will be ok.
In other news, we are all sick. David came down with it on Thanksgiving, I shortly thereafter now the boy is feeling bad. Some kinda cold, or maybe eastwestbirdnilemadcowmoldflu who knows lol but we are all miserable. And it’s dark, cool, and rainy which never helps when you are already sick.
Been crocheting a lot. Angels and a present. Will post when I get a chance.
Not much else…
Yesterday marked 5 months since Eric and Bryor were killed. It was a rough day. Made worse by a “well meaning friend” telling me to stop dwelling on them. Excuse me? My 21 year old son and 7 month old grandson were killed by a drunk driver 5 months ago and I am to just get over it because “dwelling won’t bring them back”? Ummm I KNOW they aren’t coming back, believe me… I know.
I think I am in the place I need to be in the grieving process. I have bad days and good days. I have days where I cry -a lot- and days when I can smile and laugh and remember good things tempered with the sadness. I am starting to be able to function on day to day things and learning how to live with the heartbreak. I have stopped counting the days and weeks. I still have my moments where I pray to wake up from the nightmare that is reality. I still have days where I cry and scream WHY THEM? But I am getting better, days go by and life moves on…
but for the most part this person knows none of this….
most of my bad days are hidden from the majority of people….
This was a person who I considered a friend and had talked with about this some, I am sure they meant well but emails even if daily are no way to judge whether someone is dwelling or not. And what if I am? I am a grieving mother/grandmother…. It has been 5 months- only 5 months…. How would you be dealing. Would you be able to “get over it” so quickly?
It is not easy by any means….
The fact I am upright on a daily basis is progress in my opinion.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions….
I know this friend meant well, I was hurt and mad when they said this but it is ignorance – not stupidity- just ignorance because they have not gone through something like this.
Anyway… Whew guess i needed to get this out since I had no intention of making this post totally about this…
oh well
My pillow and I have been fighting for some time now, it is really just a matter that is irreconcilable – it hates my head and neck and wants them miserable. I have come to terms with the fact we cannot work our problems out and is time to divorce …
it was not an easy decision to make but it is for the best. My head hurts so bad this morning from fighting all night long with my stupid pillow. And while divorcing my pillow will be hard and costly my head and neck and probably my husband will thank me for it and for not fighting all night long trying to be comfortable.
In other news…
It has been a rough week. Trying to catch up on the house from when I was down… I swear it takes twice as long to catch up on housework than it does to fall behind….
and our hot water heater is dying a slow death so just another screwy thing.
Grief hit hard… Next Tuesday is the court date for the drunk driver who killed Eric and Bryor but I heard it may very well be postponed again… which is just beyond painful. Just get it over with, I cannot even go because we never know if it will go on or not and hubby would have to take off work and we would have to travel at least two nights and then stay there and come back and he has little vacation time and money is so tight, and I so feel like I should be there and it just sucks…. So much guilt over this all. I could not be there for my son in life and even fail to be there for him in death. Ugh….. Vicious cycle.
Life is so screwy sometimes….
Grief monster has hit hard today… It has been a very rough morning.
Quitting smoking sucks….
I hate the holidays….
I dread them….
Penn State rioters need their heads examined seriously. Their head coach and numerous others violated ethics codes and the laws by not reporting the claims of sexual abuse to the police.
What about those kids? THEY are the victims in this, not the head coach!
Geesh
Got house cleaning to do… Still trying to catch up from when I was down… The hot water heater is out…. So it’s like wtf else can go wrong? No wait… I do not want to know!!!! LOL!
Have a little over half done on the boy’s blanket. Hope to have it done soon, I need to get some thread for Christmas things….
Which means I gotta find my steel hooks…. Also wish I could find my needles for needle felting… It’s driving me nuts, I have had no luck finding them since we moved here. I have several ideas for projects but no needle felting needles…. 
I so need to win the lottery but then I realize you have to spend money on tickets and I don’t even have money for that rofl wow that sucks.
Cool, cloudy and windy today… A blustery day for sure.
well this isn’t getting anything done so I guess I need to get busy…..
Seems that any more my life is so full of pain, whether it be emotional, physical, or financial, it’s pain, pain, pain. Since June I have seen a decline in my overall wellbeing. I am sure it can all be traced back to the stress of grief aggravating my already exsisting fibromyalgia and anxiety ailments but all the same, making life pretty rough for myself and any one around me. I can see how this has aged my physical appearence and feel how it has aged my very spirit….
It is hard some times to write or talk as it seems so much any more I feel no one wants to hear me because it just seems like I am whining. I feel like I am whining, so I know others probably feel the same….
So I have been keeping a lot inside lately… Doesn’t do much good to talk about it, there is nothing any one can do about my pain other than get tired of hearing about it lol. So what’s the point?
I am tired of hurting… Tired of the pain, the brain fog, the tiredness etc… I am trying my best to push through….
Always falling short of what is expected of me, but I am trying nonetheless….
But it falls back to I am trying and some times it seems the more I try the less it seems I am trying. So I have been focusing on how I try. Changing my mindset from “I hurt so bad I can barely move, I hope I can get this done” to “I need to get the completed then I can sit for a bit”.
Slowly, with practise I will get it…. I will become one of those people who can get things done no matter what else is going on. I will be one of those “together” people…..
OK let’s not get delusional, I will never be “together” enough to be one of those people but I will be one who can get things done again despite pain or anxiety… Without whining….
When it rains…
Why it is when some bad happens that shakes you to your core being everything else seems to go wrong?
It’s because our nerves and emotions are in such an uproar that every new bit of stress seems like a major catastrophe. Catastrophe? Did I spell that right? LOL
Anyway, grief, or some similar life altering event puts our mental state in overdrive. “Fight or flight” mode kicks in and we are on heightened alert for any thing that may cause more harm. Therefore, what ever happens that we might have been able to easily handle before, now, seems like just another overwhelming event adding on to what we are already going through.
How do we handle these things?
I wish I knew… But the key may lay in our genetic makeup, or our mental state to begin with. I also believe it is highly individualized. What works for me may not work for you and can also cause problems in itself as if someone tells me how I should handle my grief and it doesn’t work I may feel as if I am “not doing it right”… Understand?
No one should tell you THIS is how it should be. They should give suggestions as to what might help, even antecdotal advice but it should always come with the caveat that it may not work for you because we all handle grief or even plain stress differently.
|
|
Yeah, I know, you are probably like me and once you read those words that song pops into your head and runs a muck. Or maybe I am just weird and the only one that happens too….
Who Said What