Butterfly Kisses and Dogwood Dreams

Monday

Kari — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:07:48 +0000

Spent the past week feeling horrid. Had not even turned on my computer all weekend, had people on facebook messaging me and posting on my wall worried… sorry …lol Just felt so bad and it put me in a funk.

Feeling a tad bit better, overdid it earlier trying to catch up with housework but I did get some good sleep last night, still feel tired though. Hopefully I am on the mend, otherwise it is to the dr.

Needless to say, I don’t have much going on with having been sick…

The 22nd would be Eric’s 22nd birthday. Horribly hard to deal with… so unbearably sad to think of him and lil Bryor being gone. Breaks my heart all over again.

Got my hatblock, am working on designs. Also working out a few other designs. Hope to get started soon.

No word from my daughter… I have not reached out. I feel I should but dont know if it would be welcome or if maybe I should just wait.

*sighs*

Happy 18th Birthday, Leanna.

Kari — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 10:47:41 +0000

I have waited for this day for so long. How I wish I could have shared the last 10 years with you watching you grow up.
I cannot say enough how much I regret allowing myself into being bullied to believe you would be better off with out me.

I hope you have a very happy 18th birthday, Leanna. I love you so much and have missed you immensely.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Kari — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:16:06 +0000

Have been down most of the day with anxiety and a migraine. Was pretty bad, still there but at least I am halfway functioning right now… Meds have kinda weakened it down. Rough way to spend a day…

Why the anxiety? Beats me… I need no excuse to be anxious, i have fought it all my life. I guess though with things happening it just adds up. Am so worried my daughter will just tell me to go to hell because they hate me. And I cannot say I would blame her at all, there’s nothing I can do but pray she will at least give me a chance and let me know they lived an ok life… and I can wait until she feels she wants to contact me and have some sort of relationship with me.

Trying to figure out how we can cut the budget down to survive with David’s reduction in pay. It isn’t gonna be easy no matter what. The directv will obviously go since they are raising their rates anyway. Would not be so bad if we had broadband internet we could watch alot online but with hughesnet being the only thing here and the latency and “fair access policy” that limits what we can do online. But, what can ya do? Just do what you have to do to get by. Times are tough all over and at least he has a job.

I did get some more needle felting supplies. Found a hatblock so I can make hats and sell. yay!!! And get back to making my sculptures to sell, I have a couple that need to be finished.

Plus the book needs to be finished and put up for sale, need to get busy with more angels, want to make some as pins and some as magnets for fridges.

I guess I could start performing marriages too. Although with gas getting more and more expensive I don’t see me doing that to make money, just doing it to marry folks.

I have not been spinning, I should dust my spinning wheel off and start so I can sell the yarn also.

Well I best stop, don’t want to push my migraine so it gets mad at me. lol

Hope you have a good day. Remember, you don’t need a special day to show someone you love them. Every day should be you Valentine’s Day.

Are we ever gonna catch a break?

Kari — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:06:44 +0000

Seems to be one hit right after the other… David is getting a big big pay cut. And while it could have been worse (at least he didn’t get laid off) one has to wonder if this is the beginning of the end of the place he works for…. It’ll be rough reworking the budget to account for going back to what he was making 8 years ago…. especially with prices going up on everything.

We got that word yesterday, then last night got word an uncle has cancer… another uncle with cancer… I have nothing more than that right now. I guess there are tests that have to be run.

I’m just n0t sure how much more my family can take….

I don’t know how much more I can take….

People that really know me and know my life say “You’re such a strong person.” I don’t see it. I see my weakness, I see me wanting to give up… I have given up before. Lots of times… it always makes thing worse though… so I don’t give up, that doesn’t make me a strong person it just makes me too weak to want to make things worse by giving up. I am still paying for the times I have given up before…..

Just would be nice if things went ok….

But it could be worse and I have to keep reminding myself that. I have to hang onto what blessings I do have and have had in my life….

The boy is waiting on snow… I don’t think we’re gonna get much. We’ve had hardly any all winter. The other day made 3 years since he’d lost his father to cancer. It was a rough day for him.

Well best get busy….

Happy 16th Birthday, Lora!

Kari — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 10:44:51 +0000

Most of y’all who have kept up with me for years know about my girls. Today is my youngest daughter’s 16th birthday. Hard to believe…..I hope her life has been good.

Not a day has gone by I have not thought of you. I think back on the brief time I had you in my life and what a precious wonderful child you were. The sweetness, how you would do you tigger pounce. You were always laughing and smiling, my lil clown princess.

I love you…

I hope you have a happy birthday.

LOOK! —> ƸӜƷ ƸӜƷ ƸӜƷ ƸӜƷ ƸӜƷ ƸӜƷ BUTTERFLIES!!!!

Kari — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:11:20 +0000

I’m sorry… I cannot bring myself to use the word “scrummy” (scrumptious and yummy, merged) It just makes me thing crummy…. Nope… not gonna go there.

Which is odd in a way, coming from me, the queen of fantabulous made up words, go figure…

We’re supposed to actually get snow tomorrow… been such an odd winter in we have hardly gotten any. Up to an inch, which as y’all know, that is any where from none to 12 inches rofl.

Been working on the book, and maintenance on the website, gotta get the shop ready to go. Of course getting the shop ready to go means I need to get some stock crocheted up. lol

This morning I was hit hard, I could not stop crying. Anxiety, grief, worry of upcoming events etc… just too much some times. But I had my cry and am OK. Some times ya gotta just embrace the feelings and let them happen and only then can you feel better. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. I stuffed my feelings down inside so much for so long not realizing how I was hurting myself.

Well I still have a ton to do so better boogie oogie oogie on outta here for now…

Is this Monday REALLY Necessary?

Kari — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:10:11 +0000

Some days just fit the Monday mind frame… This is one Monday that is true to form. The weekend did not seem long enough.

I wish I was all snuggled in a blanket like the cat. lol

Not much going on, nothing blog worthy of course. Anxiety levels have been high but that is pretty understandable with birthdays coming up. The girl’s birthdays are always a source of heartache as I have missed them so much and hated myself for so long because I lost them… this year even more so because Leanna will be 18 and Lora will be 16….

And of course the 17th not only being Leanna’s birthday but will also mark 8 months since Eric and Bryor were murdered and Eric would be turning 22 on the 22nd… so it will be a rough few weeks… as if these things do not hang with me daily… they do. But there are certain days it is worse.

What can I say? Life is so short and in an instant can be over.

Been so tired lately, just want to sleep. but can’t have so much to do…

Still working on the book, formatting and getting all my poetry gathered up and edited. I found several poems that were not named so had to go through and name … I am a dork… who knows if it will even sell but I will put it out there all the same as it is a goal of mine.

Also need to get my angel pattern written up and out to testers so it can be proofed and gotten ready to sell also. Along with the memorial name doilies.

Well best get busy, have a good one…

Don’t Drink and Drive

Kari — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:09:17 +0000

SMH

Kari — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:07:01 +0000

Man it got cold lol oh yeah… duh it’s winter.

We went and checked out the new BJs that opened up in Gainsville. Not too bad. I don’t think it was as big as the Sams in KY but better than nothing. Won’t be back for stocking up and would be even better if we had more room to store things in this crackerbox of a house. Glad we got there earlier, by the time we were ready to leave it was a madhouse, and the parking lot even worse.

Might get some snow tonight/tomorrow…. we will see. Sure have not gotten much this winter.

OOOOh We found How the West was Won on BLURAY at BJs for 8bucks WOOHOO! I’m tickled, we need to start getting our old movies onto bluray, heck I think we just had this one on VHS.

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that there is no hope for some people whatsoever. They will continue to hold on to hate, or grudges, no matter what moves one may make in the effort to change things. So…. I guess the only thing you can do is move on, without them. Sometimes even if you give someone every chance in the world to work with you and make amends they still do not want to, they would still rather just continue to harbor ill will and hate. Let them wallow in their whatever. They are the only ones they are hurting.

Well I got laundry that needs to get into the dryer….

Have a good one… and DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!!

My Daughters… My Secret Shame….

Kari — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:28:19 +0000

I have been remiss in posting, I know. Life has just gotten away from me. Frankly after this flu we had at the end of the year just sapped the lifeforce out of all of us. Hubby broke a rib coughing and it lead to a couple ER visits and his staying in the hospital for a couple days. He is on the mend now, but is like I am, still trying to recover strength. It was a good thing in a way though as it got me to driving out of necessity. Now I am over most of my fear of driving and do so regularly. I am so proud of myself.

Anyway, grief has been hard to get through. Another barrier into “normal life” whatever that is….

I fear my motivation to do anything is just gone, I lack the will, desire, and energy to do much other than get by. It is slowly starting to get better I suppose, although I imagine others would say differently. But, in my defense, I recognize my problems and am working on overcoming them.

Now, onto the topic of this post…

Many years ago I mad one of the worst mistakes I EVER made in my life. I let a group of state workers convince me that my two daughters would be better off without me. I was at a very low point in my life, most of my own doing but not all. However, I let myself be convinced I was not a good mother. Granted, at the time I had some big problems and yes, i was not the best mother in the world, however the problems could have been overcome and had i not been berated and constantly informed what a horrible mother I was I could have managed to get over it all and worked it all out. At any rate, I gave in, listened to their threats and signed over my rights as a parent to my two wonderful daughters. It was my very lowest and I relived it over and over in my mind doing it differently. If I could go back in time I would change it. I hate myself for ever giving in to them. I thought at the time I was doing what was best, it is what the state workers said was best.

Time went by and not a day went by that I did not regret not having them in my life. I still hate myself of letting myself get bullied as I did. I never stopped thinking of them, I never gave up trying to find them, just to know they were OK. To know they had a good life, a better life than what I could have given them.

After Eric and Bryor were killed I had an overwhelming need to find them, it was twofold, Leanna, my oldest daughter, will be 18 on the 17th of Feb. I could find her and contact her, hoping and praying she would not hate me for giving her up. I looked almost every day for hope, a name, an idea of who she might be, last name, whereabouts, etc… to no avail. I prayed, and prayed. I just wanted to know! Even if they hate me and want nothing to do with me, just to know they are OK. The other day, just by accident, I stumbled onto a newspaper article. The names matched, although my youngest was spelled differently, but the pictures… it just has to be them. I am just beside myself with emotions.

I did some searches with the last name and have all sorts of info, even facebook and other things. But I cannot do anything yet for fear to mess it up. IF it is truly them…. she is not 18 yet so I feel I have to wait. and even then should I? What if they hate me? Oh the thoughts… the worries….

So that is where I am. I am happy I know at least a little. I am pretty certain it IS indeed them. IT is a start…